Knowing Me

Now, what to do with that. Sometimes, I get the overwhelming urge to write. I just have to write. I have friends that say sometimes, they just have to run. I never feel the need to run, but I understand that urging!

I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last year, several years really. It’s been the last year though that has been so dramatic. I’ve learned I have a genuine love and acceptance for people. All people, even the ones I don’t understand. I genuinely care for them and want the best. I’ve learned that relationships really matter. I’m not a good friend. I’ll say that up front. I moved every year my whole childhood, never attending the same school for more than two years in a row. I never learned how to attach myself to a friend. I am a very loyal friend though. If you tell me a secret, I won’t share it. If you need to talk something through, I can look at it neutrally and help you figure it out and I  won’t judge you for it. If you are my friend, I assume it’s because you want to be and you don’t have any preconceived ideas of how I should be your friend. I assume that, because I am that way. I’ve learned that is not the case. People feel let down if they are an active, seek out the friend kind of people. I don’t seek people out. I don’t think to call a friend up just to chat. In person, I can chat with you for hours. Unprompted? Not so much.

I’ve learned that although I do not need praise for doing anything. Not at work, not at church, not at home, I DO need to know I’m an important part of the team. This is very important to me. I wasn’t really aware of it until this year. Oh, I’ve known for quite some time that I was feeling very left out and unappreciated in a few areas of my life, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I’m a team player. I can’t help it. I’m decisive and a leader and a problem solver. I’ts how God made me. I can see through the bull, even when I let you continue with it. I’m often aware that it’s untrue and if you mean to be lying or are just caught up in the moment. Sometimes I’ll call you out, but mostly I’ll make a mental note that you lied.

I’m very creative. I’m very analytic. I know! These are two complete opposites! I’m very extroverted and confident in front of people. I love speaking to groups of people. I do not like crowds. Sometimes, I feel shy and uncomfortable and I don’t want to be around people. Again, opposites.

I love to counsel people. I love listening to their stories, to their struggles and to their joys. I love helping others work through problems and seeing it from outside the box to help them cope and see the joy hidden in the heartache and the hope in the desperation.

I’m an oldest, youngest, middle child that moved a lot growing up but was surrounded by such a variety of personalities in my own family, that it’s easy for me to accept others for who they are. My father was married and had children with three women. I was the oldest with his second wife, making me the youngest of the children by his first wife. He went on to have more children, making me a middle child.

I was born with a strong faith. I have always known there was a God and he loved me. Not matter what, He loved me and was there for me. Bad things happened. I got mad at the people, but I never thought to get mad at God. Isn’t that odd? I know a lot of Christians and non-Christians and lot of people that have been or are currently, quite angry with God. They blame him for everything bad in their life. He should have this or should have not allowed that. He should have stopped this or given that. I don’t know they why behind what happens, I do believe with all my heart that it happened for a reason, even if the reason was choices someone (maybe not even me or you) made a very long time ago.

Family is important to me. Family history/genealogy is important to me. Peoples stories are important. Family photos are important. I’m not a great photographer, but I love being out with my camera. I love capturing moments and sharing them. I love helping people capture their stories.

My perfect job would be just that. I would help people research their family history and write their family story. Not a dry, boring autobiography, but one of love, trial, growth, joy, sadness, regret, and wisdom. I recognize the importance of this. I’m aware of it with my whole being. It is important.

Yet. I haven’t done it myself. I haven’t written my story. I don’t have all of my photos in albums. I don’t journal. Again, opposites.

My life is too chaotic. I know this. I know I need to fix it. I don’t. I need to. I feel it, like rushing water running over me. Fix it, fix it, fix it. Downsize. Too much stuff. It needs to go. Simplify. Yet, the new job I now possess, possesses me. It consumes me. It does not make me feel like an important part of the team. It drains me. I do not need accolades. I do not need awards. I do not need ceremony. I do need acknowledgement. I do need to feel appreciated. I am consumed and it leaves very little for family, friends, social life or activity.

I have everything I could need to create many beautiful scrapbooks/photo albums. I know how important it is. I feel it in every ounce of my being. It IS important. I know this. I dream it, I think it, I FEEL it. I know this to a be a truth. It is important. I don’t do it. I come down here and sit in this large room full of paper and tools and albums and photos and… I don’t do it.  I want to, so very desperately, I want to. I want to save my photos and their stories. I want to leave that rich history for my children. I want to help others to do the same. I desperately want to, with an ache that fills me until I almost can’t breathe. Sometimes, I drown in the ache of it. It overwhelms me and consumes me and leaves me feeling like a failure. Desolate. Empty.

I feel called to share my spiritual gifts, called! In a loud and persistent way. Like a strong wind at my back kind of way. I am to share what God has given me, what I have learned, what I know and what I love. I’ve been trying for years to figure out how. I give and share and show. I almost beg to be allowed to share my gifts and what God has blessed me with. I am denied. I am rejected. I am shut out. At first, I was devastated. I am called to share these things. I have strengths and skill and passion and they are fired from the Holy Spirit. Left to just me, they would wither and die, but they don’t. They are there. They are whispering: use me. I try. I offer. I almost beg. Nothing. Dismissed. Rejected.

I won’t give up. I’m not sure if that is a strength, or a weakness, but I keep going. I keep searching. I keep trying. I keep working.

It is time for change. I don’t know what it looks like. I do know that it must be. It has to be.

Conflict. It is the one constant.